Christmas 2014

My chaotic drive ended up with a year with no Christmas tree, no family, my wife is soon to be my ex wife because she can’t handle the mania and depression I have shown through out her lives together 10 years after my stroke, the other years was blessing having two kids together and the holidays’ now seem to me a sorrow for the family man I use to be.

Now I am nothing but full of stress and loathing for the actions I did in the past.  I have a house not with my family in it but renters that are taking over the house.  I want to be alone with my kids and wife but she moved into my fathers rental house in Westport the place he was outpatient pick from my sister who decided to surf for the rest of her life instead of getting a full time job and more employment in Seattle a city I loathed.

Christmas is being held at her rental apartment and I can’t the stand to go for my sister to me is an evil witch who betrayed me by no keeping a secret for a medication and drugs I was using to balance my brain for this struggle I have ever since my Stroke, and that is retardation.  I sound like a simple person when I am not on medication or drugs, retarded and now I am going to be retarded for 2 years. My doctor doesn’t care to give me an anti depressant but it will not work.  I am facing jail time for actions I did out of control.  I want this court stuff and me to start punishment now instead of waiting for more time to be free.  I want it over so badly.

My wife is at my home with my daughter who doesn’t even know me anymore being in Japan for the whole summer, and me without the kids who I cherished, now I am broken and nothing is helping me to get through this trial except for God and Christ, but I don’t feel they care anymore for my depression has given me a torpid life.

I want to be happy again and share my life again with another, my wife is not going to go back to me at all.  It’s sad and heart fully painful for me to enjoy my life.  I chosen to be nothing, and have fate raise me to death, as my decisions are no longer mine.

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